In my seminars and presentations, I often ask participants a question that awakens awareness of a pernicious habit:

“Who are the people in our lives we tend to forget to thank the most?”

This question has an amazing effect because instantly almost everyone realizes that the very people we most often forget to thank are those we love the most. We fall into the habit of taking them for granted. It becomes a pattern and a routine to assume they know how we feel. “Hey, I told him I loved him back in 2009. What does he want, mush?”

Another question enables us to examine the true consequences of this pattern of taking our loved ones for granted. The question is, does this work?

The deeper we look, the clearer the answer becomes—taking one another for granted does not work. When we are fresh in the glow of a new friendship, before we fall into the pattern of taking others for granted, our relationships are like magnificent hot-air balloons: full, light, colorful, and energized. But each time we forget to express the beauty we see in one another or the gratitude we feel, it’s as if a thin needle is pressed into the balloon. It doesn’t explode all at once, but surely and gradually, as more and more needles are added, the balloon begins to collapse from hundreds of tiny leaks.

This is very much the way relationships can begin to collapse. As we fall into the habit of failing to acknowledge and appreciate others, we see joy, vitality, and connection replaced by indifference and empty coexistence. How can we break the pattern and take an enormous leap in the direction of vibrant, fulfilling relationships?

We can make the conscious decision to become world-class buddy-thankers.

In the vintage Steven Spielberg movie, Always, the power of this simple principle was beautifully revealed. The story centers around an ace fire-fighting pilot played by Richard Dreyfuss. He is fearless behind the controls of his plane, but completely terrified when it comes to openly expressing his feelings for the woman he loves, played by Holly Hunter. Time after time he sputters and stalls as he tries to find the nerve to tell her he loves her and wants to spend eternity with her. When a terrible fire traps a team of fire fighters, Dreyfuss defies his orders to stay grounded and attempts to rescue them.

Diving perilously close to the ground with winds whipping and tossing his craft like a rag doll, he miraculously manages to drop his fire retardant, opening a seam in the inferno through which the men escape. With every ounce of his skill, he tries desperately to pull his plane up to safety, but he has pressed the limit too far. He cannot clear the tall trees and he crashes, perishing as the plane goes down in a terrible explosion.

But Dreyfuss has left his most important responsibility on earth undone: He has failed to give the greatest gift—the pure expression of his love—and is left wandering around lost and suspended instead of going straight up to heaven.

Suddenly he meets a lovely angel all dressed in white and portrayed by Audrey Hepburn. (Ironically, this proved to be Miss Hepburn’s final performance before her death.)  With elegance and compassion, the angel explains what has happened to Dreyfuss and why he has been suspended rather than sent on to a heavenly eternity. She says simply, “The love we fail to share is the only pain we leave with.” Before he can move on, he must complete the loving purpose for which he lived.

As I sat captivated in the theater watching this scene for the first time, the simple statement of the angel grabbed my heart and soul and shook me. I couldn’t get the words out of my mind: “The love we fail to share is the only pain we leave with.”

I have known so many people who left this life in pain because they failed to express their love and appreciation before it was too late. I know of even more who live with massive pain in every moment because they cannot bring themselves to express their true feelings before someone who means so much to them passes from their lives. They never create the magical moment of connection that was meant to be, and it becomes a festering wound that never heals.

As I thought more and more about the angel’s words, it struck me that there is an even greater truth that opens the window of possibility and hope. By changing one word in the angel’s statement, we can put ourselves at the cause rather than the effect.

When we understand that the love we fail to share is the only pain we live with, we create the choice to live pain-free.

Look around at the people in your life who have made a genuine difference for you. Now seize the WOO! Use your creativity and imagination, but most of all your heart, to let them know all they mean to you. Become a world-class buddy-thanker. At first, you’ll feel a sense of completion knowing you’ve given one of the greatest gifts possible to someone you care about deeply. Gradually you will come to realize that you have received every bit as much as you have given.

Your relationships will soar once again, revitalized with energy, meaning, and joy.