One of the most important areas in which we can apply the principle of “if it’s not working try something different” is in the ratio of praise to criticism we communicate in our relationships both personally and professionally.  Seizing this WOO can be remarkably healing, nurturing, and connecting.

When my oldest daughter, Kelsey was 10 years old, I fell into the bad habit of being excessively critical of her and chiding her about every little thing.  One day I became so short with her when I was helping with her homework, that she burst into tears. My heart sank as I saw how much my criticism had crushed her. It jolted me back to my senses.  Hugging her, I apologized from the bottom of my heart: “Kelsey, I am SO sorry.  You are so smart and you work so hard! I couldn’t be prouder of you.” As her tears dried, she crawled into my lap and her sweet smile returned. I made up my mind to offer more praise than criticism I was determined to lift her up, not tear her down.

In the future, I would catch her doing things RIGHT!

So, what is the optimal ratio of praise to criticism?  Recent research conducted by academics Emily Heaphy and Marcial Losada from Boston University’s Questron School of Business concluded that in the business arena, high-performing teams (measured according to financial results, customer satisfaction ratings, and 360-degree employee feedback) averaged between five and six statements of praise for every one statement of criticism.

Low-performing teams averaged three criticisms to a single statement of praise.  This research was remarkably similar to John Gottman’s study of married couples’ likelihood of getting divorced or remaining married, where the single biggest determining factor proved to be the ratio of positive to negative comments the partners make to one another.

In Gottman’s research, the optimal ratio was almost identical to five statements of praise for every one criticism.

During my years as vice president of performance planning for an international transportation company, our San Francisco office had been ravaged by conflict between operations and sales.  Turnover was horrific and morale nearly non-existent.  When we promoted our Hawaii assistant operations manager to the position of operations head in San Francisco, I’ll never forget what she told me in her interview: “Brian, my goal is simple.  I want everyone on the San Francisco team, whether in operations or sales, to know that I am completely loyal to them.  Once they know that’s true, I am certain we will come together as a team and make great progress.”

Claire had inherited a night operations manager with a reputation for being extremely difficult to work with: gruff, antagonistic, and quick to blame others.  But Claire refused to listen to the past.  When we suggested to her that perhaps it would be best to replace him, she replied, “Give me a chance to work with him. He is so talented and experienced I know that when he feels supported, he will respond.”

Claire made a conscious effort to look beyond the manager’s past reputation and instead praised him for his operational knowledge and expertise.  She asked for his input and suggestions about major proposals and made sure to give him credit when she relayed these ideas to the San Francisco sales manager. Within twelve months after Claire came to San Francisco, the station had nearly doubled their previous revenue, and had become solidly profitable, and the night ops manager we were convinced needed to be let go had been chosen by the combined operations and sales managers from our entire system as the Outstanding Operations Employee of the Quarter.

When you establish fierce loyalty to each member of your team through a positive ratio of praise to criticism, you instill a culture of mutual support, respect, and commitment to extraordinary service and performance.

You become a catalyst of construction rather than destruction.  You build loyalty by being loyal! 

When you change the way you look at people, the people you look at change, too! Start today to change the ratio of praise to criticism in your business and home.  Look for the positive qualities, efforts, and actions of others, and express appreciation and admiration.

Catch others doing things right.  Try something different. The instant you do, you will have opened a new WOO.