What you listen for determines what you get from your conversations.

Do you often find yourself complaining, griping or otherwise making someone wrong? Complaints need not be negative. If properly used, they can be powerful tools. There are times when complaints are both warranted and effective in improving some unworkable situation that may not be to your liking.

Complaints can be an opportunity to restore integrity to life. When a complaint is lodged with the person who can actually remedy the situation, it can be the stimulus to bring about necessary action. Complaints cause people to rethink and revitalize relationships by putting into place whatever is missing. They can serve to strengthen partnerships and correct misunderstandings.

However, when you find yourself complaining incessantly without taking the appropriate actions to bring about a resolution to a situation, complaining may not support you. Complaining to people who can do nothing about resolving your complaint is a waste of your time and theirs as well. Doing something to put a stop to this type of unproductive and self-defeating behavior can do much to increase your personal power.

Let’s start by making a distinction between complaining and griping.

When you have a prior agreement in place with someone and they fail to live up to that agreement, you may find yourself complaining about it. When there was no prior agreement and someone does something that upsets you, you are likely to gripe about it.

So, when you have a complaint, first determine whether there was a prior agreement in place. Next, acknowledge that the agreement was not kept and, finally, see if there is a request you can make or some communication you can have to address the problem and move the action forward. Perhaps, what may be needed is a clearer understanding to prevent a similar situation in the future. Remember, if you need to complain, make sure you do so to the person who can help to resolve your issue.

If instead you have a gripe about someone or something with no prior agreement, see if there is a request or communication you can initiate to resolve the situation.

As Mike Smith of BridgeQuest tells us, if you find yourself frequently complaining about others or making them wrong, look to see if there is somewhere that you:

• Gossiped
• Lied
• Made a mistake and covered it up or somewhere your integrity is out of harmony
• Made some agreement you did not keep
• Are not being responsible for something

Often times, our humanity cannot accept such behavior from ourselves. As a result, we might find ourselves turning things around so that it comes out in the form of a complaint, making someone else wrong.

Any time you find yourself continually complaining about some condition that remains in place, there is usually a payoff you get for having the condition around. When you are not aware of this, it runs your life and robs you of your power. When you do become aware of it and nevertheless keep the condition in place, you may be guilty of avoiding responsibility for your excellence. This occurs when you are more committed to the payoffs you get from keeping the condition in place than to resolving the subject of your complaint.

It is only by admitting to yourself the cost of keeping the condition around that you then can create enough incentive to clear it up. A complaint is really nothing more than a covert request. So, instead of complaining, see if there is a request you can make to add to your personal power in resolving a difficult situation.

Every complaint in your life has the potential to turn into a place where you have been avoiding responsibility for some proactive action, costing you your power, health and relationships. This situation will continue until you are willing to become responsible for dealing with the issue at hand. Complaints are the red flags reminding you that some request or action is called for to turn an unworkable situation around.

Turning Complaints Into Action

• Each time you find yourself with a complaint, see how you can move the action forward with a request instead.
• For each complaint, identify if it is legitimate or chronic.
• See if you gossiped, lied, made a mistake or lack integrity in any way.
• What must you do to resolve any chronic situation that you find yourself continually complaining about?
• List all your current complaints in your journal. Specify a date by when you will take action to address each one.